Well I have to say that I should know better!
Yesterday a Community Physiotherapist came to visit as I had requested a mobility assessment. I have no mobility aids, and spend most of my day leaning on whatever furniture I am walking past – or Mick. I really just wanted some advice on what type of aid would be best and where to get them from.
She launched into a lecture about how it is important to do lots of exercises every day to make sure my muscles don’t get weak. When I told her that my Osteopath had given me some gentle exercises, she told me this would not be enough. She then asked me to walk up and down the room for a minute then started talking to me. After one time my legs started aching and got really heavy. By the time I had done it again I could hardly lift my leg – sat down after that even though she didn’t want me to.
I am sick of feeling as though I am slack because someone has no idea about the condition… in fact she condescendingly told me that exercising unfit muscles will always hurt because they are not used to it. This to someone who trained to do a small triathlon in 6 months – I know about normal muscle training!
Anyway, end result is that this morning I laid in bed for 2 hours unable to get up… hardly able to move. My poor baby Deapha (Just have to add she is a dog – not neglecting a child) was wining for an hour because she wanted to go and lie in the sun. I couldn’t let her out – finally she gave up and joined me on the bed.
Finally got up but straight back to bed with my breakfast and laptop- only good thing was she left a walking stick for me to try.
Not a good morning…
It’s funny looking at that post, because lately I feel as though I am drowning – far from climbing mountains.
The sense of helplessness is incredible, particularly for someone who is used to being so independent and capable. The cleaner couldn’t come last week, and so I found myself sitting in a filthy house and unable to do anything about it. Having a dog and three cats, this is particularly a problem with fur everywhere!
Mick doing the work is just out of the question, as he is already struggling to keep up with full time work, all the cooking, shopping and taking care of me.
I decided to sweep the lounge room floor myself, but had to stop halfway through with my back aching like it hasn’t in ages, difficulty breathing, pounding heart and head and dizziness (I had managed to do about 3 square metres). The most frustrating thing is that now I know I am going to pay for this for at least a week!
Sometimes I feel so alone and useless!
When selecting a picture to put at the top of this page, I was scrolling through the photos Mick (my fiance) and I took during our camping trip in the Grampians, and I was reminded about the common emotional journey undertaken while Mountain Climbing.
Looking at the peak from the ground, the emotional reaction is conflicting… It is a beautiful sight, and the thought of being up there, inspirational. However, also quite daunting. The ascent starts and we are chatting away about whatever pops into our heads.
After a while, I start breathing faster, and can feel my heart pounding in my chest. The spring in my steps becomes a bit less bouncy. Eventually I really need to stop, have a drink and catch my breath. From there on in the climb becomes harder. We hardly talk because I need all my breath, my focus is on my feet or the path ahead as I loose some of my agility. I start to feel as though i can’t go on any further and stop to catch my breath before calling it a day and going back down.
As I sit down, I notice the view. All the beauty I had been ignoring in order to keep my feet on the ground. It is spectacular! Like no other experience in the world, it is as though a new world has unfolded while I was climbing. Suddenly I remember why I decided to put myself through this, and I am filled with a new motivation to keep going. This cycle continues, as each time one of us runs out of steam we stop, comment on the view and congradulate ourselves for still being alive :-p
As I was looking through the pictures (each one taken on one of the breaks along the way) I realised that is very much how I feel living with a chronic illness. At first I was very positive that with rest it would soon go away and therefore enjoyed the time on my own doing nothing. Later down the track however, I often feel as though I push myself through the days, wondering if I can find the strengh to go on. Every now and then, mostly when I am at my lowest, I find some inspiration to keep going. Sometimes it is my animals being funny, sometimes a visit from a family member or a reminder that others deal with much steeper mountains every day.
Whatever it is, I thank the Universe and remember how important it is to lift your head once in a while. Otherwise it is so easy to forget the benefits of this journey!
