I was reading the post written by Rachel M called “Rant“, and am stuck with a strong question that I have been struggling with lately. How do we respond to the comment that I receive so often that “you are looking really well”? I find it particularly difficult when I’m actually feeling like death warmed up!
It is one of those things I mostly manage to let go through to the keeper when coming from someone I don’t know, although I have not experienced it in quite the accusitory way Rachel experienced. However it really upsets me coming from family and friends.
I have tried many responses such as “Yeah, I know I do – but it’s not how I feel” or “Really? cos I don’t feel good at all”, yet the same people keep saying it. I know it’s a well intentioned way of showing an interest in my health, but it almost comes across as minimising the pain and crappiness I am feeling.
Is it one of those things I have to just let go? Or do I actually sit down and have a conversation with the repeat offenders? :-p
I don’t want to make someone feel awkward when they are trying to be supportive, so it’s a hard one for me to judge.
March 2, 2010 at 4:58 pm
It is “the” issue that each one of us talks about at least several times. My friends blogged about it, but I just cannot point out each post at the moment.
I’m isolated, and the only person I have decent conversation with is my GP who knows my condition and my mind very well. So, I hardly come across with this issue in my life. And I know when he tells me “you look well”, it is really a compliment and he knows looking well is not I’m cured.
I can see your frustration of your needs to talk about the issue with your loved ones without giving them wrong idea about you.
I believe that important thing is to keep talking about it.
If you haven’t come across with this website, please check it out. It may be useful. It is not about ME/CFS, but about people who share “invisible” illnesses. The Spoon Theory is very popular and you notice us use “spoon” for energy indicator.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/
March 2, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I think ‘how are you?’ is a much more supportive remark than ‘you look well’. I think it comes from people who are uncomfortable about one’s illness. I get a similar one from my partner, which is that he always asks me if I want to go out today, or do I fancy a trip at the weekend. I’d much prefer it if he waited until I suggested it. It’s like he isn’t listening. I find I have to have The Conversation over and over with nearest and dearest. Slowly they are getting it. Denial is hard to break in oneself, let alone someone else.
Good to find your blog
March 2, 2010 at 9:25 pm
My friend pointed me to her blog.
http://ashy00.wordpress.com/2009/05/10/you-look-well/
March 8, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Thank you guys for your ideas and support! It is good to know I’m not the only one who feels strange about the comment. It was great to get some perspectives and advice as well.
I don’t see many people either, as I am stuck at home most of the time. I guess that may be one reason I find it harder to take, because it is the conversation I have to have nearly every time I do see someone.
Jozephine, I find I am having these conversations with people over and over as well… I guess it is a hard thing for people to get their heads around.
The spoon analogy is a great one – I might use it some time.
Thanks again!