REFLECTION

I posted the entry below on 10th October which was Blue Day, and then promptly took it down again.  I got very embarassed and afraid that people would look at me negatively, particularly when they read the information on Mick’s blog.  Lately I have been really struggling.  I have been very unwell, and trying to work out what the purpose of this life can possibly be.  Most of my life I have measured the importance of my life by how much I can do for other people – and here I am, no use but a lot of hassle.

So I look for the little things which give my life meaning.  One of my cats jumping onto the bed, curling up next to me and purring away.  My dog running around like crazy chasing flies   Hugs from Mick, phone calls from friends, visits from family and friends.  I try and focus on the people who still stay in contact instead of the many who have disappeared since being unwell.  There are many things, but it is sometimes hard to remember amongst all the difficult stuff.

 

I Love Drawing

I have recently discovered the joys of drawing!  I have been looking for things to occupy myself with, which don’t involve any chemicals, energy or too much concentration (other than tv…).

I am certainly no artist, but really enjoy taking time out to really look at something of beauty and its’ lines, colours and shape.  It gives me time out of my head – which let’s face it with too much time on my hands becomes a CRAZY place to be :-p

The great thing is that I can come and go with no minimum time really needed.  If I forget where I was or what I was doing halfway through it’s no big deal, I just start somewhere that looks interesting again.  Not like when reading and I loose concentration through the same paragraph I have been trying to make sense of 5 times…

I can only do it every now and then as the concentration does create ‘payback’ and my brain goes on strike for a day or two afterwards, but I am enjoying it.  When I can be bothered hooking this thing up to the scanner I might put some up.

 

Drowning

It’s funny looking at that post, because lately I feel as though I am drowning – far from climbing mountains.

The sense of helplessness is incredible, particularly for someone who is used to being so independent and capable. The cleaner couldn’t come last week, and so I found myself sitting in a filthy house and unable to do anything about it. Having a dog and three cats, this is particularly a problem with fur everywhere!

Mick doing the work is just out of the question, as he is already struggling to keep up with full time work, all the cooking, shopping and taking care of me.

I decided to sweep the lounge room floor myself, but had to stop halfway through with my back aching like it hasn’t in ages, difficulty breathing, pounding heart and head and dizziness (I had managed to do about 3 square metres).  The most frustrating thing is that now I know I am going to pay for this for at least a week!

Sometimes I feel so alone and useless!

 

Climbing mountains

When selecting a picture to put at the top of this page, I was scrolling through the photos Mick (my fiance) and I took during our camping trip in the Grampians, and I was reminded about the common emotional journey undertaken while Mountain Climbing.

Looking at the peak from the ground, the emotional reaction is conflicting… It is a beautiful sight, and the thought of being up there, inspirational. However, also quite daunting. The ascent starts and we are chatting away about whatever pops into our heads.

After a while, I start breathing faster, and can feel my heart pounding in my chest. The spring in my steps becomes a bit less bouncy. Eventually I really need to stop, have a drink and catch my breath. From there on in the climb becomes harder. We hardly talk because I need all my breath, my focus is on my feet or the path ahead as I loose some of my agility. I start to feel as though i can’t go on any further and stop to catch my breath before calling it a day and going back down.

As I sit down, I notice the view. All the beauty I had been ignoring in order to keep my feet on the ground. It is spectacular! Like no other experience in the world, it is as though a new world has unfolded while I was climbing. Suddenly I remember why I decided to put myself through this, and I am filled with a new motivation to keep going. This cycle continues, as each time one of us runs out of steam we stop, comment on the view and congradulate ourselves for still being alive :-p

As I was looking through the pictures (each one taken on one of the breaks along the way) I realised that is very much how I feel living with a chronic illness. At first I was very positive that with rest it would soon go away and therefore enjoyed the time on my own doing nothing. Later down the track however, I often feel as though I push myself through the days, wondering if I can find the strengh to go on. Every now and then, mostly when I am at my lowest, I find some inspiration to keep going. Sometimes it is my animals being funny, sometimes a visit from a family member or a reminder that others deal with much steeper mountains every day.

Whatever it is, I thank the Universe and remember how important it is to lift your head once in a while. Otherwise it is so easy to forget the benefits of this journey!